Sometimes it's a poignant piece. 

Sometimes it's something uplifting, inspirational. 

But funny or poignant or uplifting or inspirational, they have one thing in common — they all look like hell. 

So I started reformatting them. Picking typefaces. Adding graphics. Laying them out in a visually interesting way. When I was done, I would send them to friends in their new form. And then people started asking me for copies. 

Weeeell, it got to be expensive after a while. Getting stuff printed usually is. So I hit upon the idea of putting the stuff on the Internet. Now, if someone wants a copy, I give him/her the related URL instead. He/she can then take a look at it, and print it out if he/she wishes. 

Now, what you will see on-screen is more or less the same as the original in some cases. Not in others. I won't get into why. It's not important. Only the content is. 

Sooooo, here's one of them. Enjoy! Enjoy!

the telephone answering machine messages of prominent Jews are now available to us. Many were thought to be lost in the Sands of Time, not to mention those of the Negev. 

Here are the actual messages that a number of famous Jews left on their answering machines. Or should have left. 

Joan Rivers: I guess we can't talk. 

Carl Sagan: Of all the millions upon millions of telephones in the world, and millions upon millions of telephone numbers, did you ever stop to think how miraculous it is that your telephone manages to hook up with my telephone? Of course, the real miracle would have been if you had gotten me, instead of my machine. Then again, when you consider how many millions upon millions of telephone answering machines there are in the . . . (beep). 

Theodore Herzl: If you leave your name and number, you can dream that I will call you back. 

Judah Maccabee: Leave your name and number, and I'll try to call you back as soon as I possibly can. But if it's in less than eight days, it'll be a miracle. 

Sandy Koufax: Leave your name, number, and pitch. But no Yom Kippur calls, please. 

Arnold Schoenberg: Leave your name and number when you hear the 12-tone row. 

Baal Shem Tov: And what is a poor, unassuming shepherd like myself doing with my own telephone answering machine? You know, that reminds me of a story. Once there was a king who lived all alone in a forest. One day, while traveling along the road, he encountered . . . (beep). 

Martin Buber: Leave your name and number and I'll get back to Thou just as soon as I can. 

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Okay, darling, I'll marry you. But do leave your name and number so I can say “yes” personally to whoever this is. 

Karl Marx: I'll return each call according to my ability, from each person according to his need. 

Maimonides: Perplexed? Good! Now study until I get back to you. 

Aaron: This is Moses’s brother, Aaron. My brother asked me to record this message for him. Leave your name, number, and blood on your doorpost, and he'll get back to you as soon as he can. But, oy!!, is he busy!!! 

Robert de Niro: Are you talkin’ to me? Are you talkin’ to me? 

Marcel Marceau:

Erich Segal: What can you say about a phone call that was missed? 

William Shatner: Sorry, I'm not in right now, but I've gone where no man has ever gone before. Leave your name and number and I'll try to beam you up when I can. 

Gertrude Stein: Your call is your call is your call. I'll call when I'll call when I'll call. 

Ruth: When you calleth, I shall call. Your machine shall hear from my machine. Your message shall receive my message. Don't cut any corners until you hear from me. 

Henny Youngman: Leave your message — please! 

Woody Allen: Look, you'll only reject me, so why leave your name and phone number at all? Why not just hang up, and we can both save each other a lot of heartache? Then again, maybe I could use our probably wretched relationship as the basis of a new . . . (beep). 

Hillel: If I don't return your call, then who will return your call? And if I expect only my own calls to be returned, then what am I? And if I don't return your call now, then when? 

August Von Wasserman: Testing, one, two, three, four. Testing. Ok.  I'm sure I'll be able to get back to you soon. In fact, I'm positive. 

Korach: Sorry I'm not in, but something just opened up. Leave your name, number, and next of kin, and I'll try to get back to you just as soon as I possibly can. 

Tevye: On the one hand, I'm not home. On the other hand, you should leave a message. On the other hand, I'm still fiddling with this machine. 

Albert Einstein: If I can amass enough energy I'll get back to you at the speed of light. But that is based on the assumption that I'll be able to figure out how to play back this damned machine. 

Henry Kissinger: If the caller is President Clinton, then yes, I accept your offer of Secretary of State. But, to be frank, I've served my country and the world in that capacity before. So, should you choose to step down, wouldn't you agree that I'd be a lot better in the Top Job than Hillary? Ok, how about Al, then? Let's get together and inhale deeply on this matter, at my convenience. 

Job: I wish I could be here to get your call, but you wouldn't believe what sort of day I've had. Actually, it's been a pretty rotten week. Come to think of it, it's been a rough decade. All expressions of sympathy will be greatly appreciated. Leave your name and number, and I'll try to return your . . . (beep). 

Sigmund Freud: Stop to think about the shape of the telephone that you are now holding in your hand. Are you ashamed — embarrassed, perhaps — of holding something like that? You needn't be. Thousands suffer from phone envy. I personally think you need help. Leave your name and phone number and whether you have health insurance, and I'll get back to you as schnell as possible. 

Kitty Dukakis: Hi, this is Kitty. If you're calling about the White House seder, I'm afraid the invitation expired six years ago. And if you want the recipe for the parve moussaka, leave your name and number, and I'll get back to you when I can. 

Your Mother: Gee, but I'm glad you called. How are you feeling? And how is your wife, uh, you know, whatsername? But most important, how are the children? I almost never get to see them, you know. Which is really surprising when you consider that we don't live that far away from each other. Look, I'm going to the store for a few minutes, and then to the druggist. It's my arthritis. It's killing me. But, then, you wouldn't know the pain I've suffered over the last few years. The doctor says that it probably can be traced back to childbirth. And since you're my only child, I think you know who he's talking about. No, don't bother to . . . (beep).