WITCH TRIPP
Double, double, Webster Hubbell, 
I think I got the Creep in trouble. 
Eye of Newt, strap of bra, 
Could it be he broke some law? 
Praise this broth utmost ephemeral, 
Heavens! I left out my Essence of Emeril!
Hark! Who trespasses so near?

KENNEH OF STARR
 'Tis I, the Inquisitor. What news? 

WITCH TRIPP
Things proceed with quickening speed, m'lord. The maiden Lewinsky, so deeply embroil'd, is now join'd by the Lady Willey in like pursuit. Daily tightens the noose around the king. 

KENNETH OF STARR
Would that it were so, but he hath good counsel, and more moves than a chess board. His public, well pleas'd with good news of the economie, doth o'erlook much. 

WITCH TRIPP
How may I serve thee next? 

KENNETH OF STARR
I have need of acts damnable and facts verifiable. Else he may elude me yet. 

WITCH TRIPP
His dog, Buddy, freshly neuter'd, may bear his master harsh reproach. He may consent to wearing a collar of our invention, to survey the king at his ease. Dogs are much accustom'd to insects. What's one more bug? 

KENNETH OF STARR
Good hag, I rely on thee completely. I must away. 

(Exeunt Tripp and Starr) 
(Scene 2. The king's antechamber) 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
My Lord! I needs must speak with thee most urgently! The castle is assaulted on all sides! 

LEER
What would I not give for an hour's peace! 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
An army of reporters is settled at thy gate. They are press in name and press in deed, for they press me daily. Nay, hourly, for some explanation from thy lips. 

LEER
Who is there among them? 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
Lords Jennings, Brokaw, Rather, Geraldo of Rivera and a host of others. Methinks I spied the van from Hard Copy. 

LEER
Thou cutst me to the quick. Do they not know that I am chaste? 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
They insinuate that thou hast chased too often. 

LEER
Never have lies been so artfully stack'd against a pure soul. Where is Lady Hillary? 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
Her secretary doth report that she is lock'd in her bath, saying over and over, "Why can I not wash my hands of this guy?" 

LEER
Oh cursed fate! I must be the most solitary mortal in all creation. Never have I betrayed m'lady's trust. 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
Whatever. 

(Enter Messenger) 

MESSENGER
Good king, steel thy nerve. I bring a missive from Kenneth of Starr, the Grand Inquisitor. 

LEER
Was ever a man as Starr-cross'd as I? Why does this man conspire to afflict me thus? My hand is unsteady. Read it to me. 

MESSENGER
Let me see. He offers thee his regards, blah, blah, blah. Then doth he subpoena thee to appear at his chamber at Friday next, to forswear again that thou tookst no liberties with the Jones wench, who 
withdraweth not her claims against thee. 

LEER
I have already so sworn! 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
It would seem, m'lord, that the woeful tale of Lady Willey rekindles old flames. 

LEER
I kiss'd the woman on the forehead, as a sign of my regard. Never was a king so expos'd! 

DUKE OF MCCURRY
Truer words were ne'er spoken. 

LEER
I cannot think on't further. Leave me to my own counsel. 

(Exeunt Messenger and McCurry) 

LEER
To be forthright, or not to be forthright, that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or just bag the whole thing and teach law at a 
junior college. 

(Enter Courtier) 

COURTIER
My liege, thou art late for an appointed meeting. 

LEER
What's this? 

 COURTIER
Thou wert planning to interview a new assistant at the stroke of two. She seems most capable, and with rare intellect for one so young and fair. 

LEER
Well, tell her I will see her anon, and on, and on. 

COURTIER
A most clever jest, my king. 

LEER
Let us not tarry further. 

(Exeunt Leer and courtier. Enter Buddy, from behind a chair) 

BUDDY
So dearest reader, I bid adieu. 
Me seeth I have much to do. 
And so it comes to this pretty pass 
To see if the king doth get some . . . .