Sometimes it's a poignant piece. 

Sometimes it's something uplifting, inspirational. 

But funny or poignant or uplifting or inspirational, they have one thing in common — they all look like hell. 

So I started reformatting them. Picking typefaces. Adding graphics. Laying them out in a visually interesting way. When I was done, I would send them to friends in their new form. And then people started asking me for copies. 

Weeeell, it got to be expensive after a while. Getting stuff printed usually is. So I hit upon the idea of putting the stuff on the Internet. Now, if someone wants a copy, I give him/her the related URL instead, he/she can take a look at it, and then print it out if he/she wishes. 

Now, what you will see on-screen is more or less the same as the original in some cases. Not in others. I won't get into why. It's not important. Only the content is. 

Anyway, here's one of the pieces. Enjoy! Enjoy!

Enjoy! Enjoy! 

Q: What is your date of birth? 
A:  July fifteenth. 
Q:  What year? 
A:  Every year. 

Q:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
A:  Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 

Q:  How old is your son -- the one living with you. 
A:  Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. 
Q:  How long has he lived with you? 
A:  Forty-five years. 

Q:  What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that  morning? 
A:  He said, “Where am I, Cathy?” 
Q:  And why did that upset you? 
A:  My name is Susan. 

Q:  And where was the location of the accident? 
A:  Approximately milepost 499. 
Q:  And where is milepost 499? 
A:  Probably between mileposts 498 and 500. 

Q:  Sir, what is your IQ? 
A:  Well, I can see pretty well, I think. 

Q:  Did you blow your horn or anything? 
A:  After the accident? 
Q:  Before the accident. 
A:  Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. 

Q:  Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the  occult? 
A:  We both do. 
Q:  Voodoo? 
A:  We do. 
Q:  You do? 
A:  Yes, voodoo. 

Q:  Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? 
A:  Yes. 
Q:  Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? 
A:  Yes, sir. 
Q:  What did she say? 
A:  She said, “What disco am I at?” 

Q:  You were not shot in the fracas? 
A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel. 

Q:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent  to  your attorney? 
A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 

Q:  All your responses must be oral, okay?  What school did you go to? 
A:  Oral. 

But witnesses have nothing on lawyers 

Q:  This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all? 
A:  Yes. 
Q:  And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
A:  I forget things. 
Q:  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? 

Q:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 

Q:  Were you present when your picture was taken? 

Q:  Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? 

Q:  Did he kill you? 

Q:  How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? 

Q:  You were there until the time you left, is that true? 

Q:  How many times have you committed suicide? 

Q:  So the date of conception [of the baby] was August eighth? 
A:  Yes. 
Q:  And what were you doing at that time? 

Q:  She had three children, right? 
A:  Yes. 
Q:  How many were boys? 
A:  None. 
Q:  Were there any girls? 

Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement? 
A:  Yes. 
Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also? 

Q:  Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? 
A:  I went to Europe, sir. 
Q:  And you took your new wife? 

Q:  How was your first marriage terminated? 
A:  By death. 
Q:  And by whose death was it terminated? 

Q:  Can you describe the individual? 
A:  He was about medium height and had a beard. 
Q:  Was this individual a male or a female? 

Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 
A:  All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 

Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? 
A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. 

Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 

 Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? 
 A:  No. 
 Q:  Did you check for blood pressure? 
 A:  No. 
 Q:  Did you check for breathing? 
 A:  No. 
 Q:  So, then, it's possible that the patient was alive when you began the  autopsy? 
 A:  No. 
 Q:  How can you be so sure, doctor? 
 A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
 Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? 
 A: Yes, it's possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.