Hare-brained theories

Something funny

A summary

From time to time, someone sends me an e-mailmessagecontaining funny stuff — a collection of funny bumper stickers, one of real epitaphs, a joke.

Sometimes it's a poignant piece.

Sometimes it's something uplifting, inspirational.

But funny or poignant or uplifting or inspirational, they have one thing in common — they all look like hell.

So I started reformatting them. Picking typefaces. Adding graphics. Laying them out in a visually interesting way. When I was done, I would send them to friends in their new form. And then people started asking me for copies.

Weeeell, it got to be expensive after a while. Getting stuff printed usually is. So I hit upon the idea of putting the stuff on the Internet. Now, if someone wants a copy, I give him/her the related URL instead. He/she can then take a look at it, and print it out if he/she wishes.

Now, what you will see on-screen is more or less the same as the original in some cases. Not in others. I won't get into why. It's not important. Only the content is.

Sooooo, here's one of them. Enjoy! Enjoy!

Hare-brained theories
(with apologies to all my hare friends)

was once held for people to submit their theories on any subject. Following are the winners.

Fourth Runner-Up
Subject: Probability theory

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

Third Runner-Up
Subject: Bio_mechanics

Yawning is contagious because (a) you yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums and (b) the pressure change outside your eardrums caused by your yawning unbalances other people's ear pressures, and so they yawn to even it out.

Second Runner-Up
Subject: Symbolic logic

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped, because its people have no alphabet and, therefore, cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.

First Runner-Up
Subject Newtonian mechanics

The earth spins faster on its axis due to deforestation than it normally would. In support of this theory, consider that when a figure skater's arms are brought in close to her body, her rate of spin increases. Analogously, the cutting down of trees causes the planet to spin faster than would be the case were trees not to be cut down.

Honorable Mention
Subject: Linguistics

The quantity of consonants in the English language is fixed. Therefore, if a consonant is omitted in one place, it will turn up in another. So when a Bostonian "paks his ca," the dropped Rs migrate southwest causing a Texan to "warsh his car" and "invest in erl wells."

Grand Prize Winner
Subject: Perpetual motion

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When buttered toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down. It makes sense, then, to strap a suitable number of slabs of buttered toast to the backs of a suitable number of tethered cats, one slab to each cat. The two opposing forces will cause the combination of buttered toast and cats to hover above the ground. Using the line of such buttered toast/cats as a rail bed, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.

Your comments are welcome

The End

Is freedom from the tyranny of words, which means regaining control of your life, worth the price of a good dinner? If you believe that it is, click on the image to the left. (Don't worry, doing so isn't going to lock you into anything.) If you don't believe that it is, then I can't help you. No one can. But remember, you only get one shot at life. And if that one shot is spent in unhappiness, frustration, under continual stress, in poor health, and so on, well, it's your own bloody fault for not doing anything about it.

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