What a terrific idea! Making apologies and then paying reparations to the descendants of people who’ve been wronged in some way. If you don’t mind, Sir, would you add my name to your gravy-train list, please. I could sure use a few bucks.

First, how about an apology and reparations for what was done to my father? He came to this country at 14 and had to immediately go to work to support himself because there were no child labor laws at the time. Had there been, he would have had a normal childhood. You know, cokes, burgers, Nike shoes, Nintendo games. He missed all that and I think the rest of us should pay for it.

And then I think I deserve an apology and reparations for being refused admission to Columbia University in 1946 because their Jewish quota had already been filled by the time I got around to applying. Mr. President, there should have been antidiscrimination laws on the books at the time. Anyway, because of what happened, I had to go to school in California, instead. And you know what that meant: sunshine, clean air, no crime. So I think I should be paid for that.

And then there was the time . . . . Weeell, I think I’ll stop. I don’t want to be a hog. Besides, if I need money again, I can always bring up the same issue. There’s so much political mileage in it that it’ll work every time.

Oh, before I close, I think we ought to apologize and send reparations to the descendants of those who went down with the Titanic. You see, we had no satellites at the time and they would have been able to warn the ship’s captain of the iceberg’s presence. The fact that we weren’t even born when it happened is just a detail, Sir. Nothing more.

Respectfully yours,

(Signed) Irving David Shapiro

Think about it.